Embarrased to Admit This Out Loud

"21Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me." (Matt 19:21)

I'm really ashamed to admit this but I feel like I have to. To show you honestly how I process things.

When we moved into my in-laws home, we moved both of the girls' bedroom sets to my parents house. I said it was so that when we came over to visit we would all have a place to sleep comfortably. My parents still live in the same house as when I left to marry my Man so they have two spare bedrooms. I justified it by saying that it was really good furniture, expensive furniture, furniture that I had intended for the girls to have forever - or at least as long as they lived with me. I also said that I couldn't sell it for what it was really worth and couldn't bare to take such a huge loss on it. That was all true but not the real reason for keeping it.

I was holding onto it for when we 'moved back home'. I thought I would need it again when we moved back to Michigan. I was acting as if this move to NYC was only temporary. That I would eventually come back to my life as I know it now. The move to NYC may only be temporary but I shouldn't be living my life like it is - expecting things to 'go back to normal'. There is no more normal once you decide to follow God's plan and not your own.

I asked my Man last week "What will we do if you don't get a job in NYC? Where will we live? Where will we go? We can't stay living with your parents forever" That was the doubting in my flesh. God gave me confirmation. We ARE moving to NYC. We've rented our house for 11 more months. But in my heart, I can't ever go back to living there or like that. That's not my life anymore.

I can honestly say that I have no idea what my future holds for me. That is hard for me because I've always had a five year plan for my life and a plan B and sometimes even a plan C. Much to my Man's dismay, I even had a plan for how I would handle things should he die. That's the kind of planner I am. Always a plan for everything. I thought I knew where I was headed in life. I don't know that anymore. Only God does. As long as I'm following God's plan for my life, I don't know what my future holds for me. It brings new meaning to the cliche "Live your life as if today is your last". God hasn't told me where I'll be in one year. Heck, he hasn't told me where I'll be in one month! He has told me that I'm going to NYC. That could be next week, next month, or in 3 months.

The point is, I had to get rid of that furniture. It was almost like my secret back up plan. Last month I finally sold Kaeterina's bedroom set. It was still in excellent condition and could be converted to a crib so I knew I could sell it for a decent price on craigslist. But I was still holding on to K2's. Three weeks ago I re-listed her set, agreeing to let pieces go if someone wanted only certain pieces. Thinking I could still use what was left. Someone bought just her tall dresser. That then left her trundle bed and long dresser. I didn't put any effort into selling those. I was still holding on. Normally I delete and re-list items on craigslist in order to keep them at the top of the page and sell them quickly. I really know my stuff on how to sell things. I didn't do that with her stuff. Then someone started to email me. I had it priced kind of high (I know so as to avoid any offers) But someone still was interested. She came to look at it on Sunday. As I was cleaning out the drawers with My Man, I said to God,"I know you can sell this if you want to. I'm not doubting your power. But I don't think it's going to sell. I don't want to be wasting my time cleaning this out and then having to put it all back." Obviously I was testing Him but that was not my intention. He knows my heart. He sold it. For my asking price. When will I ever learn???

Aren't We Supposed To Be A Team

I thought we (as in my Man and I) were supposed to be a team. If that is the case, then why is it that every time God blesses him, I take personal offense to it? Why can't I see that He is blessing me as well and just him? What is wrong with me?

My Man hasn't done much in the way of job searching. Not in my eyes anyways. Not the way I think he should be doing it. I KNEW this would happen. I just hate when things go the way that I know they will. My Man has only ever gotten one job by a blind application. Every other job he has gotten by knowing someone somewhere. I was afraid that he'd think this was going to happen that way too. And he does. After all, if this is God's plan for us, then He will handle the details. He finally admitted that to me on Saturday last week. I know that was hard for him. I don't have the gift of Faith. He does. God has always watched over him and taken care of him. Often at times when I thought He should let him fail. Not because I wanted him to fail but because I wanted him to learn a lesson. I always got mad at God for interfering with my plans to change Pete and teach him something he needed to learn. Can you believe I actually acted and thought that way? It was not so blatantly obvious to me then as it is now. But all I can say, is WOW. I'm something else sometimes.

When I heard the wonderful news about the A's renting out their house, I knew we were done. That would only give confirmation to Pete that God would give him the right job when it was time. And basically he wouldn't do anything about it in the meantime. That just frustrates the heck out of a controlling, planning person like me. I still have a thing or two to learn.

But God gives me the gift of Grace. I don't deserve it. I know that. But am so very thankful that He gives it to me regularly. I still need it. I hope to learn someday.

There Is More To The Story

There is more to the parking lot story. Most of it is deeply personal so I didn't intend to share it all. I will share just a little bit more.

I, like many broken people I suppose, often doubt that God will be there with me forever, no matter what, in any and every situation. I should have learned better from my Daniel studies, to know that even though God doesn't always choose to deliver us from the fire, that He will at a minimum be with us as we go through the fire. This doubt most often comes when I am not spending my quiet time with Him in the morning before I start my days. And I feel it through out the day too. It's as if the enemy puts a few extra coals on the fire for me especially.

But my point is this. Every time I pull into a parking lot, I fully expect God not to be there. It is my own flesh that doesn't have enough faith. Every time I pull into a parking lot, HE IS THERE. This is Him reminding me that He will always be there. He will never let me down. He will never disappoint. I'm still constantly amazed at His faithfulness - at His love for me - His love for someone that doesn't serve His forgiveness, His blessings, nor His love. He is flawless.

I look forward to walking with Him in NYC - just not too far : )