Forgiveness is an Undeserving Gift From God

"Jesus said, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing."^[e] And they divided up his clothes by casting lots. (Luke 23:34)

"If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." (1 John 1:9).

Jesus Christ came to the earth to die for man kind so that our sins maybe forgiven. It is an essential gift He has given us. It frees us from past wrongs and gives us hope for the future. Though we hurt each other, we ultimately hurt our God.

It is that simple.

It's His Battle - Not Mine

I am sitting here in the recliner at 4:21 am unable go to sleep. I can't sleep because I have so much on my mind. I've tried to type it out in separate blog posts in an effort to get it out and let it go. But yet I am still awake. Tired but I can't sleep. A few minutes ago I thought I would try again. I snoozed the laptop and closed my eyes. Nothing. Just a racing mind. So back again to the computer hoping I will have some email to read to distract me. Surely I'm not the only one up at this hour. There it is. Today's Purpose Driven Life email. This is what I read:

"“But you will not even need to fight. Take your positions; then stand still and watch the Lord’s victory. He is with you, O people of Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Go out there tomorrow, for the Lord is with you!” 2 Chronicles 20:17 (NLT)"

What the Lord is so obviously reminding me is that the battles are His, not mine. I need to let Him fight them. Rick Warren goes on to explain even further "The day you resign as General Manager of the Universe, you’re going to find that it doesn’t fall apart. You can relax in faith, trusting that God is able to run things without your help."

Then he adds:

"You stand firm on two things:

• The character of God – He’s faithful. He does not bring us this far just to let us down. He doesn’t bring you out on a limb and then cut off the limb. Have faith in the nature and character of God.

• The truth of his Word – God’s Word is faithful. You can count on the promises found in the Bible.

Stand still. Remember Who the battle belongs to. Trust that he is able to deliver you. And then watch him do it!"

I'm going to meditate on that and see if it helps me to fall asleep, resting in the fact that He will handle it all.

He Hasn't Released Us Yet

Understandably so, I keep getting asked, "So when do you move?" Um, hate to sound like a moron but I don't know. I've said this before time and again, only God knows and He hasn't shared much with us lately. I should cherish it as a change from the "When are you going to get Baby K from China?" I am honored and humbled that so many care to even inquire.

I realized last week that our work here is not finished. I don't know what that looks like exactly either. I know my Man has more unfinished work than I do : )

I've been focused on the 'there' instead of the 'here and now'. I knew this but didn't want to admit it but as a couple we were not ready to leave yet. We will face many challenges once we move. If we don't have a solid grounding for our marriage, we won't last in NYC for long NOR will we be able to accomplish what He plans to do through us. We are getting there : ) Faster than I could have imagined.

We both have other relationships that need to be fostered more. We need to close some doors on relationships whose season has come and gone. That is hard to admit to needing to do with someone. It's even harder to do once you admit it. The passage at the end of today's post pointed a lot of things out to me.

We were both (more me than he) still not relying on Him to take care of things. We both still thought we had our own agendas to work through. Not so much any more.

I feel it's getting closer but not yet. He still hasn't released us to go. Look out when He does!

I sit here and write this wide awake at 2:30 am because I just can't fall asleep. He's sifted me more and more and more!

As a team, we are reading and journaling from the same book of the bible. This week we are in 1 John 12 - 17. It sure is speaking to me right now! Here is the passage:

NIV (from last week) 9Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates his brother is still in the darkness. 10Whoever loves his brother lives in the light, and there is nothing in him^[c] to make him stumble. 11But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness; he does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded him.


I have some issues of forgiveness that I need to deal with real soon. I've been avoiding it for as long as I can. I don't think He's going to release us until I do.

From this week we read:

12I write to you, dear children,
because your sins have been forgiven on account of his name.
13I write to you, fathers,
because you have known him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men,
because you have overcome the evil one.
I write to you, dear children,
because you have known the Father.
14I write to you, fathers,
because you have known him who is from the beginning.
I write to you, young men,
because you are strong,
and the word of God lives in you,
and you have overcome the evil one.

Do Not Love the World

15Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. 16For everything in the world—the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does—comes not from the Father but from the world. 17The world and its desires pass away, but the man who does the will of God lives forever.

God Cares About the Small Things

First, let me start by saying, please don't think I'm really this shallow. It's how God has chosen to show me he cares about even the smallest things. I've always heard that but found it hard to believe. I would think, yeah, like God really had time to think about all the 'dumb little things going on in my life'. He's got bigger things to worry about. Well, He really does and He continues to remind me day after day, even when I don't deserve it. He'll do the same for you if you will be still and let Him.

If you know me at all, you know I'm a fairly recently saved person who is constantly in awe of His Awesome power and strength.

It all started sometime last summer. I can't recall exactly when because it took me awhile to realize what was happening. God is also VERY patient :)

I have ALWAYS had terrible luck finding a good parking spot. It was so bad that I stopped looking for one and parked where ever as soon as I pulled in. Then last summer I started to notice that I was just pulling in and there would be a good spot. It was probably two months into this when I started to thank God for providing me with such a good spot. Then I really started to pay attention. It seemed like every time I went anywhere I would just pull in and find a good spot. I would thank God for doing that for me and have a short chat with him while I walked into where ever I was going.

After a few months of this, I realized it really was God doing it for me. Then, I am ashamed to admit this, but I started to test Him to make sure. Like around Christmas time, I went to Nino's, a quite popular, busy local fruit market. I knew there was no way I would have a spot so I just pulled in and parked far back. I basically said, I know You could do it, but there is just no way today. I don't want my bubble to burst and be disappointed in You so I'm not going to let there be a chance you could disappoint me. I know I was projecting but that's what I did. As I began to walk towards the door, the car in the first spot pulled out! That was God telling me, I can do anything, don't test me, trust me. That was the last time I did that one!

Then recently I needed to go to Meijer. I HATE Meijer. Mostly because of the parking lot. It's AWFUL! It's always packed. I pulled in and said, God, I'm running late, you know I hate this place, please be there for me. As I pulled into the row DIRECTLY in front of the door, a Mom was packing up her kids to leave. I did have to wait for them to leave but there was my spot, directly in front of the door. No walking for me : )

I was skeptical about telling my Man because I knew he would blow me off, tell me I was shallow, or simply not believe me. It was so amazing to me that after about 6 months I just had to tell him. I was going to burst with Joy. He kind of laughed at me but didn't think I was crazy. Then he started to notice it happened with him while I was in the car. We again pulled into Nino's and he just started to park. I said, "Wait, what are you doing?" He replied, "Parking." I said, "No, go up there to my spot." He pulled back out, partly in frustration with me, thinking I'm nuts, and there someone pulled out right in front. I just said, "You have to believe".

After about the third time he said, "Now this is getting ridiculous! I can't believe this is the way it always is for you." But it is. God cares about the details. He cares about the smallest, most mundane things in your life. If it matters to you, it matters to Him.

Last week we went to the mall. We pulled up onto the third floor of the parking garage and my Man headed straight for the front. There was nothing. I could tell by his hesitation that he thought there wouldn't be a spot. I didn't say a word. I asked God to show me where my spot was. Just then someone's lights came on in the 4th spot and pulled out for us. My Man was just in Awe. He said, I was just about to doubt. That'll show him!

I told my Man that, I'm just waiting for it to stop. How long can this really go on? He said, "I think forever." He longs for a relationship with us. He knows I"m broken and doubt and let my flesh get in the way. He won't give up on me. Others may, but He never will. When I get doubts like that, He quickly brings me back to focus.

Just yesterday I was going to the library. It was 515 pm - a busy time for the library. I was a bit cranky and just didn't feel like talking to God. I said to Him as I pulled into the parking lot, there's just no way today. I don't want to test you, I don't want to be disappointed, I'm just going to stop right here and park. I'm running late but I really want to get this book even though I know I'm going to be even later. (By the way, I was going to be late for meeting with my Communitas team for a time of prayer! How sassy was I being!) But something inside of me forced me to pull all the way to the front door. And there was my spot. Even when I was being the most unlovable, undeserving, He was still there for me. He won't ever give up on you as long as you just stay in relationship with Him.

I could go on and on with more examples of this exact thing happening but I hope I won't have to bore you with the details and know that this kind of thing happens weekly for me, EVERY time I go anywhere.

Now, don't go thinking it will work for you and try to take away my spot : ) It's our thing. You have your own thing with Him. Trust in Him to handle everything and He will.

I wasn't sure about sharing this with everyone else but I just couldn't keep it to myself. His glory needs to shine! If it can shine through a broken person like me, then that shows you how AWESOME He truly is!

Where Will We Live A Year From Now ?

I just don't know the answer to that question. I assume we will be in NYC. I assume that only because I assume we will sign a one year lease and am guessing that won't be for at least two more months from now.

We had and appointment today to get our homestudy updated for Baby K. I've been busy the past week trying to get our paperwork updated and ready for our Social Worker, Wendy, from Adoption Advocates. This meant the girls had the adoption on their minds again. Most days they don't ask about it, especially with NYC on their minds. But this past week-end while we were driving, Kaeterina asked me if we would still live in NYC when we traveled to get Baby K. I told her that I honestly didn't know. I explained to her how we are following God's plan for us as best we can and that means I don't know what next year will be like. She was OK with that answer. So was I. That's a big step for me. I like to have the next 5 - 10 years planned out - in general terms anyways. I've given that up to God now. Only He knows. And in a way, that makes life a whole lot easier. I need to remember more often to live for today and not worry about tomorrow.

What do You Think - Is Interfaith Really So Bad?

This post is in direct response to this blog post I just read over at the NYC Moms Blog: Is Interfaith Really So Bad? Normally I don't respond to articles like this but for some reason this post really got under my skin. I've been reading more and more blogs written by people in NYC, and many that are Jewish. Not intentionally. I think I only know that because it is Passover so many of them are writing about things related to this holiday. The topics that I've been reading about seem to just land me on those blogs. Divine planning is how I've assumed it is.

Back to this post. She seems more hung up on the "practices" of religion such as gift giving at Christmas/Hanukkah and East egg hunts as opposed to rather she believes Jesus Christ is her Savior. I was raised by a Lutheran father and Catholic mother. The differences between the two are minor compared to the differences between Jews and Christians!

So what do you think? Just wondering your thoughts. I used to agree that an Interfaith marriage could work and raising children of Interfaith was no problem. I wondered why I was being confirmed in 10th grade when I had lots of questions that no one seemed to be able to answer or that seemed to care to get answered for me. The important thing was to be confirmed. It didn't seem to matter that I wasn't sure God existed. Just get confirmed and don't worry about it. So I did. In the end I knew I'd get a new outfit and some money so why not just do it. I wondered about the existence of God for a very long time. I had all the typical questions - most importantly to me - why did God let bad things happen to good people like me? Granted, nothing horrible had happened compared to the horrors that so many others go through. And I wondered why He let others go through so much.

I was a confirmed Catholic who married a confirmed Lutheran. At one point in my life I didn't think I should raise them in one particular religion but teach them about all of them and then let them decide when they were old enough. Then one day a friend pointed out to me, would I just let my kids decide if they wanted to do drugs or not. Of course not! That is just modeling indecision and I was definitly NOT an indecisive kind of person. So I set out to figure out what I believed so I could teach them that. Then when they were older, if they decided they didn't agree, then at least they had some foundation to disagree with! It took me until the rip old age of 33 to accept Jesus Christ as my Savior. It's been one heck of a ride ever since then but I would go back to not believing for anything!

A Glimpse of the Future

So today we went downtown near Wayne State University to "be" with the homeless. Not to feed them but to spend time with them. Learn about them. Treat them as real people - as God's children. I have to admit that that is not something I'm good at. I've never wanted to be good at that until now. I certainly won't say I've got it down pat after just one day of it. But it was a start. It was a joy. It was a joy to show my daughters what it's like to step outside your box. To show them how to respect all people of different races. Yes I did hide behind my platter of hot dogs serving. That's what I do best. I'm good at being organized and helping out. I'm not good at getting to know strangers. I'm glad this effort is led by the college ministry. Those students sure have a heart for these people. I was glad they allowed me to be apart of their thing for the day. I'm already looking forward to going back next month.

I heard God's audible voice today. I think that was only the second time ever. A black woman came up to me while I was just standing around next to Pete doing nothing, waiting for them to start cooking the food, and started to talk to me. She told me she hadn't been around in the past 9 month but she's from around there, has lived there all her life. She was finally clean (I"m assuming she meant clean from the drugs) and she started to cry. I first reaction was to run away but I didn't. God said in that very moment to me, she's my child, love her. And she hugged me. And I hugged her back. I've never done anything so simple in all my life that meant so much to me. I didn't realize that God was talking to me at the time. It was like someone else was hugging her and not me. But while processing it on the way home, I realized exactly what had happened. I know people that hear God daily and I've always been afraid to hear his audible voice. I"m getting better with the idea everyday. I'm still amazed when he just talks to me in other ways. I used to think people were crazy when they talked like I do now ... But I also think I am crazy too (not as crazy as Pete though : )

We got to hang with other Communitas members. That was GREAT! Seeing the Kellys was the only reason I really wanted to go in the first place. But that all changed once we got there. As of midnight last night, I still didn't want to go. But the girls had to hang with Liv, I got to chat some more with Superstar, and Pete got to hang with T$ and walk the streets of D with him bonding. We also got to see Taylor and Samantha. Those are some brave women in my book. They are both single. They are both going to NYC. I don't know if I could be doing this without Pete and the girls by my side. So this is what life will be like in Gramercy Park. Serving our Community together. Now that's a life worth living!

Be The Church

That is the tag line of Communitas. Tonight at New Community, a guy by the name of Stefan Van Voorst played. He was AMAZING! Loved him! He sang a song called Be The Church. That is SO our theme song. Go listen to it:

Stefan Van Voorst

We want to be the church of Jesus....
Serving the one who came to free us...

Good Luck if It Rains on Your Wedding Day?

It is supposed to be good luck if it rains on your wedding day. Others say it means you will have many children. I believe it means that it rained on your wedding day : ) This is funny to me because I"m not getting married today. But my sister in law is getting married on the beaches of Hawaii in 6 hours. It is currently pouring rain! Please pray that the Lord stops the rain long enough for her to be married in sunshine. I think she's had enough stress to deal with with ATA airlines going bankrupt 2 days before she was to leave for her trip.

Strange Feeling

Our renters moved in sometime between Sunday and last night. I drove by the old house last night after the girls dance class was over. It is a very strange feeling to drive by your house that you still have a mortgage on but no longer live in. I wonder if they will buy it next year when the lease is up? But it is a wonderful feeling to trust in God that this is HIS plan and it's a good one.

Communitas Has a Website

Thanks to hubby, we now have our very own website:

http://communitasnyc.org/index.html

Check it out!

Do You Still Not Understand?

My husband and T$ say this often to each other. So often that it irritates me now when I hear him say it. I guess I still do not understand. I must to need to have this pounded into my head.

I read a lot of blogs. Many of them (but not all) from a Christian perspective or at least close to it. They typically have different posts on different topics on different days. I've now read THREE blogs tonight with the SAME message! I need to trust GOD with HIS provisions in HIS timing!

I just blogged about Lynnae's post on storing up treasures on earth.

So I'm still wondering, "God, What in the world are you doing?" I then read over at Gather Little By Little. He blogged the lyrics to Aaron Shust’s song My Savior My God.

Crystal had a guest post titled Trust God for His Provision where the blogger talked about a time when GOD provided beyond what they could have ever imagined. That last post was what put me over the edge tonight.

I know HE will provide. I need to remember about our pending adoption whenever I have doubts. When Pete and I were first discussing the adoption (and we didn't really talk about it too much either), He wanted to wait until he got a promotion so we could afford it. We were looking at expenses of possibly $20,000 to do it. I felt a nudging that we needed to do it then and not wait. I knew he would provide, although I had no idea how. So Pete trusted me and we proceeded. GOD did indeed provide. Less than two months after we started the process, Pete got a raise. Enough of a raise to cover the entire thing! You may not think a promotion and a raise is that amazing. But Pete had just been promoted 6 months prior AND 6 months prior to that! Had we waited and not trusted we wouldn't be adopting now because effective May 1 China changed their requirements and we don't meet one of them. My GOD is an AWESOME GOD!

Enjoy this:

Selling / Renting of the Houses

Today we had our Communitas Launch Team meeting. We have it every Sunday from 3 - 6 pm. At first I thought, 3 hours sure is a long time to meet. What the heck are we going to do for 3 hours! Then we started meeting and it's just not long enough : ) We give updates about where we are with things, pray, and meet with our Teams. Today we had a lengthy discussion about the housing market. I think we do just about every other time we meet. It's hard not to in this market. I think just about everyone of us is going to loose real money (as in, not just a "paper" loss) but actually have to come to closing with money. For this reason, many people are choosing to rent instead. Even renting our house, we are taking a loss. But at least it is a smaller amount spread out over the year as opposed to bringing one lump sum to closing. There is also the hope that someday the market will rebound enough that we can sell it and make the loss back. I've posted before about our personal journey with this. We were the first ones on the team to rent so it's still a hot topic. For us, it finally came to a point were we just had to give it up to HIM. When we finally did that, we found what I pray to be the perfect renters for us. Sure, we are losing money monthly. But I try to look at it as any other investment. We drove by the old house yesterday and today to see if our renters made it here from California yet. They still haven't. I pray that they have a safe journey here. We keep calling it the "old house". Pete realized that today and said we should really start to call it the "rental property". It's not our home anymore. We don't have a "home" yet. We are still living with our gracious in-laws while Pete tries to find a job in Manhattan. Back to my original point. The team is of course having trouble coming to terms with what might be their fate with their home. Then Jen said, "I know God loves us. He is smiling down upon us. He will do something amazing with our houses." Maybe that is not an exact quote but it's as best as I remember it. We need to give HIM the chance to show HIS glory and do miraculous things with our houses.

Then I came home. I didn't really feel like doing anything but I thought I could do some blog reading. I didn't really feel like doing that either. I saw Lynnae had a new post today in my Google Reader so I clicked on it. It was a quick read but really spoke to me. God has spoken to me through her before. Be sure to visit Lynnae to see what she had to say today but here is the verse that she had posted:

19"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

My heart is already in Gramercy Park. I know it's not going to always be easy either. It's going to be expensive too. But I'm finally learning a lesson that's long been due to learn. Money doesn't really mean all that much. Sure it may make things more comfortable here on earth. But everyday I'm becoming more concerned about storing treasures up in heaven as opposed to here on earth. This is quite a HUGE step for me! I'm disappointed that we are losing money on our house. But it really doesn't matter. Not in the grand scheme of things. I know HE will provide all that we need. Jesus Christ is the only bread that we need to live. Pastor taught on that this morning. But that is another post.